I love reading horoscopes. My aunt is into this kind of stuff, too and I used to be kinda weirded out by it but they are surprisingly very accurate.

Moon Sign- Sagittarius

You need room to move and emotional space to explore whatever ideas or feelings arise within you. Getting locked into situations where you have to keep showing up and behaving in the same way all the time can be very boring. You're hungry to explore the world and new concepts, ever searching for more experiences in life.Greener pastures call when the walls begin to close in. Optimism is your fuel, the source of nurturance that can keep you going when others might fall into despair. Knowing that life always has more to teach you can be your joyful wake-up call every day of your life.

Motto: "Tomorrow with be another day."
Greatest Strength: Emotional honesty
Possible Weakness: Avoiding making the hard decisions

Love Forecast

July 2009
Last Month | Current Month | Next Month
Being the Social Butterfly

Your love life could get very interesting this month. If your personal life has become a little tired and boring you will not be disappointed. The delightful sounds you'll be hearing are brought to you by Venus and Mars, astrology's hottest couple. Venus, which represents beauty and attraction, enters your sign on July 5 to put you in a positive light. You should start appreciating yourself more because others are likely to find you more alluring now. This is a terrific pattern for love because your heart is opening and pulling others toward you.

Then on July 11 passionate Mars follows suit and enters Gemini to provide you with a serious boost of energy. It's hard to be stopped from having fun with these two planets in your sign. Your ability to charm others is very strong but your patience may weaken as you're anxious to play all the time. Creative activities fulfill some of your needs but socializing is really where it's at. Whether you're cuddling with one special sweetie or entertaining a group of admirers, you've got what it takes to find love. Still, you may encounter some snags when others aren't as easygoing as you.

The Full Moon on July 7 can reveal a partner's discontent or desire to control you. You might not be able to fast talk your way through this one as real issues are on the table. The New Moon on July 21 is another less-than-playful period, reminding you to take others more seriously then.

I have been really analyzing myself lately. I always wonder if some of my thoughts are due to fake thinking for so long- so long now that I don't realize it is fake. It's weird and I cannot explain it.

Are you who you really are or are you not? Are your thoughts your real ones? Is how you feel really how you feel about certain things? or is it now how you feel because you always wanted to feel that way and now it is to the point you DO feel that way..but it's not how you are really supposed to feel. (huuuge run on sentence)

Am I ME or is it just a mask made out of habit?

Ponder THAT sucker.

:]

md

This note is to all the people who underestimate me. This is to those who see me as someone they think I should be, and has given me the stereotype as that. I am tired of getting classified as someone who doesn't even deserve that label. "Good little church girl". I can't begin to count how many times I was tagged as that on those pictures with the labels below them. As flattering as that is and as sweet as it is, let me take a minute to introduce you to me and if you feel like you need to whip out the judgement stick, take me off you list.

I have changed a lot since the past couple of years. For good and for the different. I don't say bad because I am who I am...my whole past is, at this moment, who I am now. And who knows, I may be different later. But I feel like I need to write this because I feel like I am almost outdated.

1. I drink- I have gotten to the point that I have gotten very sick and puked all over the place and cried like a child. I like once in awhile to be able to have a drink or...a couple and not have to freak out when someone I know from school is there. "Oh god I can't believe mollie would ever do that". No, I am not a saint. Thanks for assuming, though. I do think I am a good person, however.

2. It will probably happen again

3. Despite number one, I still love. I have the same spirit, the same hope- I am still the same reflective person I have always been. Drinking does not change who I am. Sorry.

4. Yes I am aware of what I do. I am aware of the choices and consequences, good and bad.

5. I am falling in love with a guy who I care about very much. And since I love. I show love, I feel love, I want love, I give love. Get it? :)

6. I still love my friends, despite number 1.

7. I am aware that I used to be so against things and end up doing them. I can say that I have been a hypocrite. Now it's time to move on. What else do I need to say? It's been admitted.

8. I don't give up on friends. Whether we never talk for years. Once you have fallen in love (friendship), it's unstoppable.

9. I am not stupid. I know when someone is being judgmental and an idiot. And I feel sorry for you.


I want people to look at me and see "love". Despite the mistakes I've made and despite the fact I am not the picture perfect image you thought I was, does that really matter? It shouldn't.




"I have made my peace."

md.

And I hope he will be there for me like this, too.

She is Love
Parachute

I've been beaten down,
I've been kicked around,
But she takes it all for me.
And I lost my faith,
In my darkest days,
But she makes me want to believe.

They call her love, love, love, love, love.
They call her love, love, love, love, love.
She's all I need.

Well I had my ways,
They were all in vain,
And she waited patiently.
It was all the same,
All my pride and shame,
And she put me on my feet.

They call her love, love, love, love, love.
They call her love, love, love, love, love.
They call her love, love, love, love, love.
She is love, and she is all I need.

And when that world slows down, dear,
And when those stars burn out, here,
Oh she'll be there.
Yes she'll be there.

They call her love, love, love, love, love.
They call her love, love, love, love, love.
They call her love, love, love, love, love.
They call her love, love, love, love, love.
She is love, and she is all I need.
She is love, and she is all I need.
She is love, and she is all I need.

She's all I need.

I leave for MN again next Saturday until the 24th. I love Daniel. He makes me so happy in a way a guy has never made me feel. I have never been so excited to see a guy like this. lol

My dad and I had a talk which ended up being okay with me. I am not allowed to come back to Oklahoma until I finish school in St. Cloud. I mean that as in I cannot transfer back if I do not like it. I know my dad. I knew that if it was something that I didn't think was going the way I though it should, I would have to "suck it up" and with that automatic mindset, transferring back was never an option for me. But I am so excited. Despite the cold winters and the probability that I may get stuck in a snow storm when I leave in January, it will be worth it.

I have been working like a mad woman..and I love it because I actually need the money for something important.

♥ md.

LOCKED

It's getting to the point that I need to lock these entries. I can't be fully open with what I am talking about anymore because of the access a few people have to this journal.

If you want to read my LJ..you can sign up for an account at http://livejournal.com and add me as a friend OR if you have Facebook, I will post these posts with privacy settings.

Sorry.

md.
http://shoppingchick.livejournal.com

I feel like this sometimes.


Sober lyrics
Songwriters: Araica, Marcella; Dioguardi, Kara; Hills, Nate; Moore, Alecia;

I don't wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest
Or the girl who never wants to be alone
I don't wanna be that call at four o'clock in the mornin'
'Cause I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home

Ah, the sun is blindin'
I stayed up again
Oh, I am findin'
That's not the way I want my story to end

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're my protection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I don't wanna be the girl that has to fill the silence
The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth
Please don't tell me that we had that conversation
'Cause I won't remember, save your breath
'Cause what's the use?

h, the night is callin'
And it whispers to me softly, "Come and play"
But I, I am fallin'
And if I let myself go I'm the only one to blame

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

Comin' down, comin' down, comin' down
Spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round
I'm lookin' for myself, sober

Comin' down, comin' down, comin' down
Spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round
Lookin' for myself, sober

When it's good, then it's good, it's so good 'til it goes bad
'Til you're trying to find the you that you once had
I have heard myself cry 'never again'
Broken down in agony, just tryin' find a friend, oh, oh

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I am needing to be more careful...I checked my bank account. -53$ Perfect timing, not. I am pretty much going to be wiped out for like 2 weeks after I get my plane ticket on Friday. My paycheck was less than I thought it was but thank God I had money stored on PayPal. I am so happy to be with Daniel again.

I went up to University of Central Oklahoma today to get my official sealed transcript for St. Cloud State. It was a great day because I am really looking forward for this and I am planning on sending out my application tomorrow. Excited to be on my own. I walked around my school today and I imagined it was SCSU...can't be too tough, can it? I think the hardest obstacle is the fact it's another school change. I always get pukey when I switch schools. Elem to middle, middle to high school, college and now another college. I feel like I have a lot of stuff to do before then, though. Just don't know quite what all of that is.

I have realized that I am more excited to be back in MN to be with friends (that still give a crap) and to meet new people...

Don't worry, okies, I am not gonna be gone forever. And YES I know I will miss my niece's freaking 3rd birthday..quit telling me that.

md.

----------------
Now playing: Michael Jackson - You Are Not Alone
http://foxytunes.com/artist/michael+jackson/track/you+are+not+alonend

I feel like a lot is about to happen. This Sunday I discuss with my dad about Minnesota. I am excited...I am ready for whatever happens up there. But I have a feeling it will be something good.

and he makes me and my heart smile more than anything right now.
i can't wait to be with him, holding his hand while on his motorcycle again, to lay in his bed with him stroking my hair. he makes me feel important; he makes me feel so special.

md.

it's the way that he makes you feel
it's the way that he kisses you
it's the way that he makes you fall in love

and the feeling that i'm falling further in love makes me shiver, but in a good way..

you catch me & every time i lose control you help me, you save me & every time i lose myself you find me, redefine me. - soil

I miss the sound of your voice
And I miss the rush of your skin
And I miss the still of the silence
As you breathe out and I breathe in

If I could walk on water if I can tell you what’s next
Make you believe, make you forget

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

I miss the sound of your voice
The loudest thing in my head
And I ache to remember
All the violent, sweet,
perfect words that you said

If I could walk on water, if i could tell you what’s next,
make you believe, make you forget

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

I miss the pull of your heart
I can taste the sparks on your tongue
I see angels and devils
And God
when you come on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on love
Singin' shalala la
Singin' shalala la
ooo
ooo
ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

Come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me, drown me in love

(come on get higher, loosen my lips)It's all wrong
(faith and desire at the swing of your hips)It's all wrong
(just to pull me down hard and drown me in love)It's all right

So, come on, get higher
Come on, get higher
'Cause everything works in your
Everything works in your arms

I am angry. And I am going to throw up.

I wrote my dad an email about how I felt about leaving Oklahoma and going to school back in St. Cloud. He actually understands that I want this experience. My family? Not so much. But listen, this is my life. It's not all because of Daniel. I am glad he is there for the support as well as his family, though. It relieves the stress of knowing I won't be completely alone.

So many people leave the state to go to college. I was not even planning on going to college until I suddenly decided to give UCO a shot. I never did any college visits and didn't even tour UCO. Now, I want to expand it even further. I want to keep going. UCO is a great college and I am glad I have gotten to go there for the past three semesters but I want to physically leave and grow somewhere else...do different things, meet different people and catch up with ones I haven't seen in years as well.

I was told to look at the pros and cons of going out of state.

Cons: being away from family. However, I can drive home to visit on major breaks. I can talk to them on the phone, Facebook, etc. It's not a complete separation entirely. That's really the only con I can think of. I know I will miss my friends but a lot of them, like I want to, are moving on, getting married, careers, etc. Most of my friends are older than me so I have gotten used to not seeing them. Not saying I want to keep it that way but hardly any of them live here in Edmond.

Just let it go, let me go. I won't be gone for long. Semesters fly quickly and I know 13 hour drives can suck (or I can fly down during the breaks). I really want this. Why can't you let me want it and let me take a chance?

I just saw Haley's comet, she waves
She said "Why you always running in place?"

Sitting here, crying...What else is new, though?

My thoughts in my head are going crazy. What am I doing here in Oklahoma? I remember...I have been so afraid to leave my comfort zone. I have been wanting to resist change..yet I want to live the most of life. It contradicts itself.

I met Daniel in MN...I have known him since I was 7 years old. He makes me so happy. He drives trucks he works on himself and lights bonfires in his front yard. I love that about him. I was riding with him on his motorcycle with the song "If Today Was Your Last Day" by Nickelback..It was the most calming feeling I have ever felt in being with someone. It is so hard to trust people and the fact that I already feel such a strong connection with him..I know that has happened for a reason.

What am I trying to say? I want to leave Oklahoma and move back to Minnesota. Huge leap? Yes. Scared? so much that I keep backing out in my head. My dad even asked me if I wanted to go to school there out of the blue..to SCSU. I was shocked. He would support me. He just doesn't know about Daniel, though. And I know if I want to go there, I have to have a serious mind on school and not just him. As important as he is to me...I know if I were to continue getting help getting through school..I would need to grow up. And I am willing to get a full time job and support myself. I know there's pros and cons to leaving here..my friends..family...but I am 20 years old. My life is starting. I will always have my friends and family, but I want to go out and make the best out of my life....to fall in love..get married..not hold myself back because of this constant fear that I will fail.

If I do fail..it's so much better to have had this experience than not at all. To love than to not love at all. To live independently (to a point) than stay confined to my comfort zone.

"Second Chance"

My eyes are open wide
And by the way, I made it
Through the day
I watched the world outside
By the way, I'm leaving out
Today

I just saw Hayley's comet
She waved
Said why you always running
In place?
Even the man in the
Moon disappeared
Somewhere in the
Stratosphere

[Chorus]
Tell my mother,
Tell my father
I've done the best I can
To make them realize
This is my life
I hope they understand
I'm not angry, I'm just saying...
Sometimes goodbye
Is a second chance

Please don't cry
One tear for me
I'm not afraid of
What I have to say
This is my one and
Only voice
So listen close, it's
Only for today

I just saw Hayley's comet
She waved
Said why you always running
In place?
Even the man in the
Moon disappeared
Somewhere in the
Stratosphere

[Chorus]
Tell my mother,
Tell my father
I've done the best I can
To make them realize
This is my life
I hope they understand
I'm not angry, I'm just saying...
Sometimes goodbye
Is a second chance

Here's my chance
This is my chance

Tell my mother,
Tell my father
I've done the best I can
To make them realize
This is my life
I hope they understand
I'm not angry, I'm just saying...
Sometimes goodbye
Is a second chance

Sometimes goodbye
Is a second chance [x2]

So..here I am..back in Oklahoma. Am I happy? not really. I am glad to be in my own bed because I am sick as hell. But a part of me didn't come back to Oklahoma. A lot of things have happened and my views are very different on many things now. PS: People are NOT all that rude in MINESOOOOOTA. Their accents, however, rock my world. So funny. I got made fun of, too. Apparently I have a southern accent..who knew? How insulting. :)

Sometime..hopefully soon. I am going to pack my bags and move. Yep, I know I got to do a lot of things before I do and if it something I really want, I will. There are so many sweet people in my life here in Oklahoma..but there is something about MN that I crave (not just one thing...)

We visited my old house and the new owner was so gracious and let us in! I was so excited and it was the home I remember just VERY modified! National Karate was also a favorite part of my trip. Thank you so much, Kelly. It may not have been a big deal to you as it was to me, but it was so special to be back there.

Here are the pictures from the trip! Here

I don't want to get too close
I don't want to get too close
You see this isn't where my head is
If you knew me I'm not like this
But I just found someone special
And that's really something special
If you knew me
Nice to meet you anyway


md.


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Now playing: Nickelback - If Today Was Your Last Day
http://foxytunes.com/artist/nickelback/track/if+today+was+your+last+day

You must login to read. If you're my LJ friend, you will be able to see it.

md

"You don't have to call me and say you're sorry, I'm already gone.
You don't have to call me and break my heart as I try moving on.
Oh, you don't have to call anymore, oh yeah.
You don't have to call, baby."

Leaving for Minnesota in a few hours. See you in 7 days..I may update during the trip.
<3

"One Step At A Time"

Hurry up and wait
So close, but so far away
Everything that you've always dreamed of
Close enough for you to taste
But you just can't touch

You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face as the door keeps slamming
Now you're feeling more and more frustrated
And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting

[Chorus:]
We live and we learn to take
One step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It's gonna happen and it's
Supposed to happen and we
Find the reasons why
One step at a time

You believe and you doubt
You're confused, you got it all figured out
Everything that you always wished for
Could be yours, should be yours, would be yours
If they only knew

You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face as the door keeps slamming
Now you're feeling more and more frustrated
And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting

[Chorus]

When you can't wait any longer
But there's no end in sight
when you need to find the strength
It's your faith that makes you stronger
The only way you get there
Is one step at a time

One Step At A Time - Jordin Sparks

I was only planning on writing in this once every 2 or 3 days but I have a lot on my mind so I am just going to keep writing. I feel this is all I can really do now that will help in keeping me sane.

I am beginning to realize how much older I am getting and how lonely I am getting, too. I know I do not need a man to complete me but I am in the stage of my life where I am craving intimacy (not sexual intimacy, although that is a struggle for me.) I am referring to the "I love you"s, the hugs, the kisses..knowing there is someone out there for me but him not being here yet (I hope I have met this person already, though), it is so hard.. My heart is SO closed but craves so much at the same time. Those do not go well together at all. To have your heart finally open and finally trusting then having it thrown back at your face- it makes it harder than it was in the beginning to try again. It isn't easy finding someone who truly LOVES YOU when all they are worried about is size. Other girls may be impressed but that disgusts me. That's not what I want in a guy at all. I want them to love me, inside and out, for everything I am.

I leave for St. Cloud, Minnesota in a couple of days. To say I am excited does not even do it justice. I am so happy to be getting out of here for a week. Even though the connection back home is just one phone call or text away, I know I need the physical distance from Edmond. It will also be wonderful doing all the old things I did as a child with my family. Maybe I will see some people I haven't seen in 11 years as well. Being off work for 2 weeks is a thrill, too. (Although I only work 1 day a week haha).

Have a good night, everyone.

♥ md.

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Now playing: Tori Amos - Welcome to England
http://foxytunes.com/artist/tori+amos/track/welcome+to+england

Andrea used to have a Livejournal my_live_journal..cute isn't it? I honestly do not know how that name was not taken. And why did I pick those colors for her? They are horrendous. She was too nice. I logged into this today and her birthday reminder popped up. June 7th. How could I forget? I forgot last year..not because I just didn't remember that special day but it was a huge leap in my healing. I always think about her...but now I think about the memories. They don't make me cry hardly at all..but at times they do. But then I laugh..laugh until I cry..then it just goes back to crying. I am okay that next day..and for that month. Grief is never a process. It goes on forever. You will never tell yourself it was okay that you're loved one died. You will always miss them, always think about them, and always love them.

I am writing about this because I only had one dream about her a couple days after she died. That was 5 years ago. I had one last night. It was so real and for the first time in a while, I was aware of what was going on. We were back in 2003..but it was not 2003-it was 2009. I look like I do now, and she looked like she did then. I was at my birthday party and when everyone was going home, I wanted to take pictures. Pictures of just me and her. I told her that I wanted pictures of us because she was going to be gone. She knew that, too.

So we took pictures.

Sigh..I wish I had those. But they are in my head.

Thanks for coming to my *very early* birthday party, though (you probably would have thrown one that early..that is the type of person you are). I love and miss you. Happy early birthday, angel.

My subject..interesting isn't it? In my situation, though, it wasn't a phone call.

God, I am on my knees.

"If every building falls
And all the stars fade
We'll still be singing this song
The one they can't take away
I'm gonna get there soon
She's gonna be there too
Cryin' in her room
Prayin' Lord come through
We're gonna get there soon"

Lord, pull me out of the dark just to show me the way.
I DO NOT RELY ON ANYONE BUT GOD AND MYSELF. Some seem to think otherwise and I wanted to make it clear that I am not 5 years old. Just like I don't rely on mommy to take my hand and walk me across the street so I don't get hit. Life is about getting hit and I got hit by a truck. but the harder that hit, the stronger the heart. God is showing me so much out of this. (Interesting example but it just flowed out of my head so go with it =) )

I went to church on Saturday at Life Church. It is such a great Church and I think I may go there from now on. I feel more comfortable for worship there. The sermon was on Ezekiel and depression; how to get depressed. Forget God, push people away and push God away. That immediately reminded me of what happened on Facebook the other day. I publicly wrote "F*** God". I was "forgetting God". We forget God in the moment of a struggle and don't remember all the times of His constant faithfulness in what we HAVE gotten through. It's so easy to forget. We are such instant people. We want it NOW. No more pain, no learning the lesson from it-now. I thought back about everything that has happened in my life. Especially my life from Freshman year of High School through my Junior year. It was a huge transformation.

Could I have gotten through it myself? No way. I am a testimony to that. I would be dead if there was not a God and I wish people had more faith in His existence rather than physical evidence. Because I got to tell you, hearing that song in the most perfect time on the radio, seeing His beautiful sunsets as the wind blows through your hair, and the "energy burst" from reading the Bible..nothing on this earth will ever compare to that happiness. Nothing.

I have a long way to go..a lot of anger, bitterness and sadness...but

"There's no such thing as perfect people, there's no such thing as a perfect life
So come as you are, broken and scarred
Lift up your heart
Be amazed
Be changed
By a PERFECT GOD."

Let grace be enough.

I will let His grace be enough.

I am in awe by a God who lets me verbally punch him in the face and still loves me.

Thank you.

md
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Now playing: Ingrid Michaelson - Turn to Stone
http://foxytunes.com/artist/ingrid+michaelson/track/turn+to+stone